June Recap: Creative Block & Joyworry
Hello. This post is slightly different than my usual but I am also excited to give this a go.
The past few weeks I’ve been struggling with a personal creative block. To be fair, it has been coming for a little while now. In a month or so - August 2021 - I will be marking 2 whole years of officially freelancing slash running my own studio. Looking back on 2020, considering that I had a full working year through a major pandemic, I’m really grateful that I’m here, still doing my own thing.
With the society opening up though, I’m less thrilled than expected. Mostly because I struggle with quite a bit of anxiety of being around strangers now. I’ve spent 2020-2021 assessing my role and contribution to the capitalistic society we are plugged into and it has become an internal conundrum so to speak and sometimes it feels like there’s no escape. (there’s no escape, and if you do have an escape plan, please direct message me) I thought a lot about being in this capitalistic society and what it means. It is not fine by the stretch of the word itself but it is what we have. So, I thought about what I could strive to change within myself. What is acceptable for me to continue living and continue striving for a better world but also maintaining a kind of equilibrium of not losing my mind to grief and anger because the truth is, no, I don’t want to be a recluse. I really have spent a lot of time thinking about it, about being recluse-ish. I want to still find joy in this world. I want to still find joy, purpose and meaning in making my art not matter how hopeless and inconsequential my art feels as a contribution to the larger fight for a better, kinder world and a healthier earth.
I want to find joy and meaning if I have to be trapped in this matrix & I am not giving up.
Because, at the end of the day, everyone I love and adore are here on this plane at this time. And if it is true that we only get this one jab at life, what’s more important than finding purpose and meaning? I really do find this quest really important for myself.
Simultaneously though, I think I need to give myself a little break. I have been working and trying to consistently-constantly create ever since college and we all know that’s a long time ago for me. 😂 It is tough to take a break when you’re freelancing slash running your own studio - I’m sure my fellow freelancers out there know this pain intimately - I won’t change any of it though because running my own studio has been so so good. In fact, I’ve started affectionately calling the whole process joyworry. I honestly don’t know when I will get a new project lined up 2 weeks from now and if I do get legitimate inquiries, I have to assess them against my personal values and often times it gets really muddy. I still need to pay rent and the fear of not paying rent is quite high in my long list of fears. I am recognizing this though, even the fact that I am able to assess accepting projects based on my personal values is a privilege in itself. It is a constant balancing act. I am extremely grateful that I have managed steady stream of work so far into my baby studio journey and I have really amazing support system in my partner and friends.
On a lighter note, this week we have a guest puppy in our home. Charlie is a rambunctious 1.5 yo goldendoodle we are watching while his parents are away and boy, he is a lot of work! He is super sweet and loving though (are there any dogs that aren’t?) and it made us realize:
We have a cat dog.
We do want another puppy in the future. (hopefully near future)
At any rate, it is good for Jasper to be challenged. He’s always been an only furbaby and it does show. He gets cranky and a bit standoffish - not unlike his mom, of course - but he’s really warmed up to Charlie and they are co-existing quite nicely.
look at these two goobers!
Creative Block, Managing Expectations & Gouache!
About a couple of weeks ago I finally got my hands on some gouache and due to the creative block I’ve been keeping them tucked away in a box. It is rather uncommon for me because I always try a new medium out immediately, more so especially since I’ve never try my hand on gouache before! Now that I am thinking about this entire period of creative block, maybe it is a way for my body and mind to tell me to re-orient, to shed what’s no longer useful for my creative journey. I remember I used to be so “productive” in posting daily on IG but I noticed - now that I’ve decided to use it sparingly - that I’ve gotten swept up in creating for social media rather than listening to my own voice as an artist. I’m sure this realization isn’t new nor is it the end of the constant struggle we face as people to just be and as artist to do something meaningful, but that doesn’t make it less worthy of note. Especially a kind of note to self.
Ramblings aside, I think I’m coming out of the blockage as I finally got to sit down and try out my new gouache set. I told myself to paint whatever I want and whatever I want I painted. It feels really good to do so.
Notes on gouache:
They are really fun!
For me personally, they are that nice balance between acrylics and watercolor.
The colors are really opaque and they’re easy to mix.
I’m not very good at the technical review stuff since I wing pretty much everything but gouache is really fun and I will do more paintings with them. If you are curious, here’s what I used : Winsor & Newton Designers Gouache and here’s what I painted, I decided to name her Seori 서리 because it is such a beautiful name and I really like the South Korean artist.
Lately I’ve also been really into watching studio vlogs by some artists I follow online and I’ve been wanting to do some short and simple process videos. Here are a couple of my favorite artists to follow and watch: Lovesoup & Marija Tiurina, if you are curious.
Speaking of videos,
ppsst… I have an upcoming professional video shoot with the one and only ultra talented, absolutely gorgeous sweetheart Alayna Erhart. Alayna and I met for the first time in January 2020 and we were going to do brand and studio related video before the pandemic hit us. I am happy that we are picking the project back up and with a clearer mindset. I am extremely excited to share the video project with y’all when they are done and I am mega mega excited to work with Alayna. On top of that I am hoping to pick up some tips on home video setups. Ah, so excited! I'll be blogging about the experience, of course. For parts of July and August, I’ll be thinking a lot about what I want to do creatively. I’ve been itching to do some stationery design, wrap-up Minaquatica by end of this year and potentially updating my shop? So much I want to do and I just have to tell myself, one thing at a time.
As per usual I never actually know how to end a blog post so, until next time! xoxo.