One Year in Quarantine (Part 1)

This March 2021 marked a whole year in quarantine. Time moves differently in quarantine. Slow and fast in ways that are wholly inconsistent and unpredictable.

In the beginning of quarantine, I felt agitated, angry, sad, frustrated, trapped and sometimes all of those feelings at once. Looking back, my agitations came from knowing - deep in my gut - living in the individualistic society like the United States means it will take so much longer to escape self-imposed quarantine we have to do. But that in itself is an oversimplification of what I’ve been feeling brewing underneath my skin for a while now.

“Society moves with the slowest member(s)”, I read that somewhere I’ve long forgotten but the words kept repeating in my head. I’ve been watching The United States disintegrates in front of my eyes since 2016. But then, the realization hit me like a big bag of bricks. There was no way that 2016 was the start of it. The United States have always been this way for a very very very long time time. I, (along with many others, I’m sure) have been naive and deceived by the idea that living in the “First-World” Country like the U.S means I am living in a progressive, post-racist, post-caste system, post-everything-bad society. That education is readily available if only you are willing to find your way to it. That hard-work guarantee success. That we live in a merit-based society. The list goes on and on.

I am ashamed and felt incredibly foolish to have had this shroud over my eyes for so long.

Quarantining in 2020 brought a lot of pain, isolation, anger, but it also brought so much clarity, self-reflection, understanding and actionable items on my to-do list. I’m sharing here my thoughts and discoveries in the year full of turmoil and growth, at least for myself and my relationships with others.

March 2020

Blooming flowers during our walks with Jasper were calming and sort of cathartic to see. Life in nature moves the same way and in many ways, it was thriving without our constant interference.

I spent a lot of my time in March 2020 wanting my world to remain the same, and knowing it couldn’t. I self-soothe by putting on outrageous make-up at home and trying to keep wearing the same things I would wear if life was still the same. It was helpful at times and something I needed to keep while adjusting to the “new normal”.

April 2020

In April 2020, things took a bit of a turn. We found out our building had a confirmed case of Covid-19 within their staff. They immediately quarantined the person, and it was supposedly all safe. But It was alarming to us as our building felt very much secured. They implemented safety precautions very early, not allowing visitors from outside, clean up team every few hours, etc. The anxieties were mounting around that and we long for a place that weren’t feeling so much like a fishbowl. On top of that, we have Jasper so we go up and down the elevator and public area at least three times every day to make sure he gets to potty and stretch his little paws.

Our friend who also happens to be Juan’s co-worker told us in late March that he is headed out to his family cabin in Wyoming. He invited us to come along then because the cabin has plenty of room for all of us, it is quiet and secluded. At this point in April, we weren’t sure if traveling was a good idea. We deliberated for a few days on what that looks like for all 3 of us and finally decided that it was the right call. The trip to Wyoming was smooth. We didn’t want to stop anywhere unless it is necessary - to pump gas and bathroom breaks - thankfully our friend did the trip out not long before us so he had tips and made sure that we are prepared. We packed lunch and snacks and ate in the car when we got hungry. Jasper was excitable and ready for this “adventure” with his mom and dad.

I encountered a lot of anger, resentment, disappointment and judgement from one of my dearest and oldest friends before traveling to Wyoming. In hindsight, things unfolded the way it was supposed to but during this time, it was extremely painful and agitating. I’ve been in therapy for about 3 years at this point and getting to speak to my therapist about this was extremely helpful. I was also very thankful that I have a husband who is supportive, a friend to explore nature with and a physical space to process heavy emotions surrounding the fallout of a very cherished friendship. All without the compounding anxieties of living in a fishbowl setup - even though we were very very grateful to have our fishbowl. At this time, I started journaling again, mostly to ease the grief. And then, to make sense of all the guilt and sadness along with a good amount of anger that felt so suffocating at times.

We spent a good part of April and May surrounded by quiet and nature. I learned how to build fire to warm the house every morning and that might be one of my favorite things about being in the cabin. I cooked more often, sat in silence more often, noticed chirping birds more often. Simple things I promised myself to never take for granted ever again.

Jasper was embracing the scruff look.

Everything was so heavy and emotional during this time, our friend lost his dad suddenly and I don’t want to elaborate further on that - as it isn’t my place to do so - but the days kept rolling on and before we knew it, it was our first Wyoming Spring. It was a colder spring than we are used to coming from PNW and all. One day there were snow all over, the next, it was green everywhere. Nature has its ways.

a page out of my sketchbook.

I used to be one of those people who can’t imagine quiet life outside of the city to be enjoyable. I was definitely proven wrong here, being out in Wyoming (caveat: in a comfortable cabin) has taught me to slow down. Nature has its ways in healing and making one a part of them. Over the days, I noticed more and more of my surroundings. I stopped listening to music in my ears and instead, I started listening to the way leaves rustled and in occasions, I spotted a deer long before I would have in the past.

I also found out that I love birds, and I am particularly fond of hummingbirds. I was working and when I looked out the window, there he was with his sparkling pink neck and green body. Small and beautiful hovering and looking in the window.

I frantically texted our friend and he told me to make sugar water. I have never made sugar water before. I don’t think I’ve ever fed wildlife before! It was most definitely an exciting learning moment.

I don’t know if this is the same hummingbird I saw on the first day, but I am glad that over the rest of the weeks we were there, he always came to visit.

We are so fortunate, to have had this absolute luxury of stepping out of our small space as many others weren’t able to. When many others were struggling with grief, sickness, death and job losses. The thoughts and feelings during this time is recorded in my journal, sketchbooks and brain space it took during our quiet daily walks with Jasper.

We got back into the city in the middle of May 2020. Right around the time BLM protests broke out all around the country, and subsequently the world.

I was quite active on social media at this point. Absorbing all the information and learning about racial injustice in a way I never dared to before. There’s a lot of shame I felt (and still feel), about staying ignorant for so long. To be very honest, I still don’t know if I can write anything or say anything that would be of much weight. Nor do I feel like it is my place to add anything.

There’s so much I still need to learn and absorb and DO to help BIPOC communities in the US.

So, I’m linking books to read. Just incase you - reading this - are interested in learning. There are so many resources out there on how to learn more about racial injustices & experiences of BIPOC. I made it a personal mission to start reading books written by women of color or books suggested by women of color.

https://bookshop.org/lists/revolution-reading-list

I find that her suggestions resonated with me the most. Her name is Rachel E. Cargle, she also has resources online about unlearning our subconscious biases. As for donation, I am personally invested in mental health and wellness for black women (and women of color) and here’s one I choose to support: https://thelovelandfoundation.org/

It is hard to be pulled in many directions on causes to care about on social media. As much as I’ve learned and was informed through social media posts, there’s this gnawing feeling I can’t explain that pulled me away from it. I wanted to learn from books, to absorb information MORE than just snippets on social media. With that, the decision came to slow down. For me, personally, learning means immersing myself, and social media isn’t for me when it comes to proper learning. Books are.

We are still so far from an equal world and it takes all of us to band together to progress forward. I hope long after all the protests and collective outrage, we are still going to be here. In this place of learning, unlearning and fighting as hard as we can for our fellow humans.